No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.- Eleanor Roosevelt

That is such a great quote. But yet so hard for me to wrap my brain around. I tend to lean towards the side of making myself feel inferior, that in turn opens the door for others to make me feel inferior as well.

Self confidence, self-esteem and just plain old believing in yourself are real hurdles for me. A lot of it stems from a childhood of never being good enough, smart enough, quick enough... or at least not being told that I was good enough, smart enough or quick enough by the people that I wanted to hear it from the most.... my parents. I heard it from multiple other people, my aunts, my uncles, my grandparents and now my husband and his family...but never, in my memory, have I heard it from them - until recently (more on that in a moment :) ). But part of it also stems from my job...in this field someone is always going to have an opinion on how things could be better, different. And there are days when you love what you created, you feel great when you accomplish something you didn't think you knew how to do and then someone has one thing that may be negative to say about it and it shoots you down and any amount of confidence you had built up is wiped out. I am not saying I want to be always told that I am the best or the greatest... but words of praise and excitement about something you created are always nice to hear.

Being a parent is a job that I take great pride in and want to be a great parent. For the longest time I just wanted the approval from my own parents that I was doing a good job as a parent. Not that I figured I would ever get one, but I always wanted it. I get the words of praise and compliments from my in-laws, but not my own parents...that can be very disheartening. I have never gotten the "pat on the back", the "you are doing a great job" from my own parents. What I have gotten from them is "why did you name them that?" "why do you let him eat that?" "why is she still up at this time?"...

Recently, without even really thinking, I extended the olive branch and invited them over for Easter Dinner. Keep in mind, I very rarely want to even be in the same room with them. The very thought of smelling my mother's perfume or listening to her voice makes me cringe. But, at the time of the invite, I was feeling rather good about myself....I had just gotten new glasses, glasses I wanted, glasses I liked! and I was feeling pretty good about how I looked in them. So much so that I wore them in public and to work - I haven't worn glasses in public in well over 20 years! They had called about something and were on the phone with my husband and out of no where came the "invite them to dinner"... did I just say that outloud?

So they came and the day went well. Everyone was pleasant and the kids enjoyed their company. They each took a turn at Esdin's "putt putt golf" that he had created in the backyard. They played Wii* bowling and sat in McCaiden's room playing Little Pet Shop people.

I received an email from my dad that night... "thanks for dinner, everything was wonderful. You can tell by the way the kids act that you and Dennis are wonderful parents." - good thing I was sitting down when I read that. I can't honestly remember the last time I heard anything positive from them about my life and what I have created. Now let me preface this with, my dad is not the favorite of a lot of people and he didn't have the guts to say this to our faces but the fact that he said it all is huge to me.

Amazing how two sentences, one email, can make my self esteem just blossom. It makes me feel as though I am doing something right. This is not to say all is well with the relationship between them and I, it is far from right - but it sure was nice to hear. And this is also not to say that I don't have moments, days where I wonder - whats the point? No one really cares about what I did... but as with everything in life, its a learning experience and one that you can only get out of it what you put into it... so I am putting a lot of effort into believing in myself, so others will believe in me to.